Sacred Tension

Sacred Tension

Share this post

Sacred Tension
Sacred Tension
Why I Won't Kill Myself

Why I Won't Kill Myself

Reflections on staying alive

Stephen Bradford Long's avatar
Stephen Bradford Long
Jul 11, 2025
∙ Paid
20

Share this post

Sacred Tension
Sacred Tension
Why I Won't Kill Myself
10
6
Share

Half of my work is behind a paywall, and this Substack is a crucial part of my income. Please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. If you are truly unable to afford a subscription, please DM me on Substack or reply to this email requesting a free comp, and I will give you 6 months free, no questions asked.

Don’t want to become a paid subscriber? Buy me a coffee instead.

cat behind walls
Photo by Clément Falize on Unsplash

A friend, who also lives with suicidal ideation, recently asked me to write an article about why, despite the devastating ups and downs of bipolar, I have not given in to my regular suicidal ideation. The question gave me pause, which suggests that it is worth writing about. Even now, as I sit down to write this piece, I struggle to articulate why I'm still alive, why I keep going.

Many of my readers DM or email me to tell me stories of their own desperate struggles with the call of death. The call, so often, feels irresistible, comforting, and compulsive. For me, it feels like a little black cat that follows me everywhere: flitting about the corners of my mind, watching me as it perches on a fence or from between the cracks in the wall as I go about my life. The little black cat is a constant reminder: I can end it all. I can make this all stop. Do I want to? Yes, the little black cat reminds me, part of me wants to. I have always wanted to, and suicide has always felt like a reasonable option.

Other times, suicide feels like a heavy blanket — an opium fog that comforts as much as it poisons. It will settle heavily over me when I’m crushed by the weight of my own mind in bed, lost deep inside the tissues of my body. Other times, it feels like the whole world has been tipped sideways and I'm sliding down that ledge, against my will, into the blackness.

I know why I want to die, but why I want to live is far more mysterious to me. I have no doubt that I do want to live — that I hold on to life desperately. But why? The pain, the darkness, the loneliness, the hardships of life are crystalline-clear. The reasons to stay are far more ambiguous but no less mighty. Staying feels less rational and cognitive, and more like a primal force. I’ve always taken it for granted.

This article is not an explanation for why you must live. I am not offering solutions or therapy. Every individual must find their own reasons to live, and their reasons might not be mine. I am only offering my own answer — an answer that is still, at this point, only partially formed. I do hope, however, that this article will give a candle to other wanderers in the dark.

Keep reading with a 7-day free trial

Subscribe to Sacred Tension to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in
© 2025 Stephen Bradford Long
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start writingGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture

Share