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Emma Gray's avatar

I subscribed just now because I needed to add my comment. Your experience echoes and validates my own in many ways.

Before kindergarten I wished I'd been born a girl and went to sleep every night dreaming of it. But I knew it was "wrong". Why? Because my mother tried to spank it out of me. So I retreated inwards and tried to move on. Even then, I felt it was a bad habit that I needed to somehow get over.

Like you, Stephen, I tried to be what I was "supposed" to be. I monitored my behaviors, how I spoke, dressed, and what toys I played with.

As I went into puberty I thought I had a "sick fetish" (words that I'd picked up in newspaper articles) that I had to maintain strict secrecy.

Life went on. I got married, had a couple of kids, got divorced. Married again, this time for 20 years. I was suicidal and tried to end my life. My wife encouraged me to return to therapy where, finally, I disclosed everything to him. I spent a year determining for myself that being trans is something we're born with. I spent another year determining that, yes, I am trans. My wife and I divorced (in a more loving way this time) and I headed north to determine where on the Benjamin Scale I was on the trans spectrum.

That was six years ago and I'm pleased to say that I needed to do it all, completely transition. Scary, yes. But in the end very fulfilling.

Also like you, I don't enjoy pride events or, for that matter, attending trans groups.

I'm just another woman living her life. I attend lesbian things because... I'm a lesbian!

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Cheap & Crass's avatar

Mr Palahniuk broke our hearts when he talked about growing up as a gay kid. He said that he had to be hyper aware of his every move and how he moved through the world so he was not found out. I like the stance you take here although I have nothing to really share in experience that may be similar. However I will say that when I walk into a room I would rather be looked at for who I am and my character rather than the color of my skin. I am not just a brown, Mexican girl. I am more than my origins. I am more than the color of my skin. Melanin pride should only go so far.

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