I subscribed just now because I needed to add my comment. Your experience echoes and validates my own in many ways.
Before kindergarten I wished I'd been born a girl and went to sleep every night dreaming of it. But I knew it was "wrong". Why? Because my mother tried to spank it out of me. So I retreated inwards and tried to move on. Even then, I felt it was a bad habit that I needed to somehow get over.
Like you, Stephen, I tried to be what I was "supposed" to be. I monitored my behaviors, how I spoke, dressed, and what toys I played with.
As I went into puberty I thought I had a "sick fetish" (words that I'd picked up in newspaper articles) that I had to maintain strict secrecy.
Life went on. I got married, had a couple of kids, got divorced. Married again, this time for 20 years. I was suicidal and tried to end my life. My wife encouraged me to return to therapy where, finally, I disclosed everything to him. I spent a year determining for myself that being trans is something we're born with. I spent another year determining that, yes, I am trans. My wife and I divorced (in a more loving way this time) and I headed north to determine where on the Benjamin Scale I was on the trans spectrum.
That was six years ago and I'm pleased to say that I needed to do it all, completely transition. Scary, yes. But in the end very fulfilling.
Also like you, I don't enjoy pride events or, for that matter, attending trans groups.
I'm just another woman living her life. I attend lesbian things because... I'm a lesbian!
Emma, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I'm so sorry to hear about the harrowing transphobia you had to grow up with, and it sounds like to understand the liberation I am trying to describe in this article - of relief of finally being able to just BE. I hope we can continue to build a world where more LGBT+ people have access to that inner peace.
Thank you so much for becoming a paid subscriber. It means the world to me.
Mr Palahniuk broke our hearts when he talked about growing up as a gay kid. He said that he had to be hyper aware of his every move and how he moved through the world so he was not found out. I like the stance you take here although I have nothing to really share in experience that may be similar. However I will say that when I walk into a room I would rather be looked at for who I am and my character rather than the color of my skin. I am not just a brown, Mexican girl. I am more than my origins. I am more than the color of my skin. Melanin pride should only go so far.
Was that in the Soft White Underbelly interview? I watched some of it, and it was excellent.
And agreed -- we are so much more than our skin, sexuality, or gender, and it is ok for individuals to pursue self-actualization outside of those things.
You see I'm not going after the religious-right because I lost a job offer due to my Satanic writing or the fact that Christian thought nearly ruined my life trajectory. It's because they made Mr. Palahniuk feel slightly uncomfortable. The far-right did this to themselves.
He touches on the subject in SWU but he goes more into detail when he was on the Impact theory or maybe the Joe Rogan show. His interview was outrageously good on both for course! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP8aIANSm6k&t=229s
Hell yeah! One of the best things ever written in the whole world. Mr Palahniuk is the first teacher who told me I could write. I have a long way to go before I can get people to faint with my words. He's the best teacher!
Good article Stephen. So true for all people, be yourself. Follow your personal goals and dreams in life. Treat others with kindness and respect, but live the life that makes you happy and brings satisfaction.
I'm thrilled for you. It sounds like wisdom. You do a beautiful job of describing the experience of how much energy it takes to focus so narrowly on one aspect of yourself. I had not really understood that. I could almost feel the peace settle in as your essay developed. Best wishes to you on your journey.
This is beautiful. I've got a novel in formal verse that explores this idea that "I may be queer but I ain't this", although I'd never seen the quote until today. The story is a riff on Romeo and Juliet in a sword-and-cell-phones world divided by handedness (the Capulefts are enemies of the Montarights), where nobody dies, but everyone changes, and Mercutio--secretly ambidextrous, bisexual, etc--meets an objection to the marriage of the title characters with this reply, outing himself before god and everybody:
If you or any of your members would like a free reader's copy (epub or pdf) feel free to email me at tj at tjradcliffe dot com.
I'm in that exciting phase of trying to find a publisher, and very interested both in putting the book in front of interested readers and finding out how they respond to it.
I subscribed just now because I needed to add my comment. Your experience echoes and validates my own in many ways.
Before kindergarten I wished I'd been born a girl and went to sleep every night dreaming of it. But I knew it was "wrong". Why? Because my mother tried to spank it out of me. So I retreated inwards and tried to move on. Even then, I felt it was a bad habit that I needed to somehow get over.
Like you, Stephen, I tried to be what I was "supposed" to be. I monitored my behaviors, how I spoke, dressed, and what toys I played with.
As I went into puberty I thought I had a "sick fetish" (words that I'd picked up in newspaper articles) that I had to maintain strict secrecy.
Life went on. I got married, had a couple of kids, got divorced. Married again, this time for 20 years. I was suicidal and tried to end my life. My wife encouraged me to return to therapy where, finally, I disclosed everything to him. I spent a year determining for myself that being trans is something we're born with. I spent another year determining that, yes, I am trans. My wife and I divorced (in a more loving way this time) and I headed north to determine where on the Benjamin Scale I was on the trans spectrum.
That was six years ago and I'm pleased to say that I needed to do it all, completely transition. Scary, yes. But in the end very fulfilling.
Also like you, I don't enjoy pride events or, for that matter, attending trans groups.
I'm just another woman living her life. I attend lesbian things because... I'm a lesbian!
Emma, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I'm so sorry to hear about the harrowing transphobia you had to grow up with, and it sounds like to understand the liberation I am trying to describe in this article - of relief of finally being able to just BE. I hope we can continue to build a world where more LGBT+ people have access to that inner peace.
Thank you so much for becoming a paid subscriber. It means the world to me.
Mr Palahniuk broke our hearts when he talked about growing up as a gay kid. He said that he had to be hyper aware of his every move and how he moved through the world so he was not found out. I like the stance you take here although I have nothing to really share in experience that may be similar. However I will say that when I walk into a room I would rather be looked at for who I am and my character rather than the color of my skin. I am not just a brown, Mexican girl. I am more than my origins. I am more than the color of my skin. Melanin pride should only go so far.
Was that in the Soft White Underbelly interview? I watched some of it, and it was excellent.
And agreed -- we are so much more than our skin, sexuality, or gender, and it is ok for individuals to pursue self-actualization outside of those things.
You see I'm not going after the religious-right because I lost a job offer due to my Satanic writing or the fact that Christian thought nearly ruined my life trajectory. It's because they made Mr. Palahniuk feel slightly uncomfortable. The far-right did this to themselves.
He touches on the subject in SWU but he goes more into detail when he was on the Impact theory or maybe the Joe Rogan show. His interview was outrageously good on both for course! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP8aIANSm6k&t=229s
Sweet, will check it out. I really need to get back to his work. I read Fight Club in high school, but that's all I've read by him.
And here are the real reactions from Mr. P reading Guts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX2BpC3irXM
I hope to one day be just like Mr. P and make everyone faint with my words. He's the best teacher ever!
Here is an audio version of Guts. Its a must listen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F18-TRzywWw
That was beautifully disturbing.
Hell yeah! One of the best things ever written in the whole world. Mr Palahniuk is the first teacher who told me I could write. I have a long way to go before I can get people to faint with my words. He's the best teacher!
Read the essay "Guts" it made people faint at his live readings
Good article Stephen. So true for all people, be yourself. Follow your personal goals and dreams in life. Treat others with kindness and respect, but live the life that makes you happy and brings satisfaction.
Thanks so much for reading and your words of support <3
I'm thrilled for you. It sounds like wisdom. You do a beautiful job of describing the experience of how much energy it takes to focus so narrowly on one aspect of yourself. I had not really understood that. I could almost feel the peace settle in as your essay developed. Best wishes to you on your journey.
Thank you so much for reading and your kind words! I'm glad the article was illuminating for you!
This is beautiful. I've got a novel in formal verse that explores this idea that "I may be queer but I ain't this", although I'd never seen the quote until today. The story is a riff on Romeo and Juliet in a sword-and-cell-phones world divided by handedness (the Capulefts are enemies of the Montarights), where nobody dies, but everyone changes, and Mercutio--secretly ambidextrous, bisexual, etc--meets an objection to the marriage of the title characters with this reply, outing himself before god and everybody:
He raised both hands above his head, as if
about to mount a high trapeze, which in
a sense he was. "I, Mercutio,
whom you all know as 'one of yours', 'that fine
good natured fellow', and a cousin to
the Prince, no less: //I am not one of you.//
"No matter who you are, the left or right,
no matter what religion, politics,
or other little box that you insist
on drawing 'round yourselves, I am not one
of you. For I am more than that. I am
a human being. I am complete, complex,
within myself. Not just a man who is
right handed, nor just left, but both, and too
whose own diversity defies your whole
small system of trite categories: left
and right, or queer and straight, or anything
that's simple, binary, and fixed. //I am
not one of you.//" He took a pause for breath
and then went on, "Except, of course, I am.
For I'm a human being, and so are you,
and I will celebrate our common ties,
our mutual humanity, our love
for one another, all the same, while still
honoring our individual
uniqueness: we are each alone, each one
of us a singular, astonishing
event, a moment out of time. I am
not Other, though you always say I am,
and so you live by hate. Don't tell me it's
not so, for I have felt the hate from all
of you. Both Left and Right, both men and too
the fairer sex, so-called. You have not known
that I was never one of you, and so
you've spoken freely of your hate of me
right to my face. The only difference is
what part of me you hate. So I have learned:
the opposite of love, it is not hate.
The opposite of love is Other: your
denial of my humanity is what
feeds the fires of hate. It is the fuel
whose burning makes a foul and stinking plume
of smoke that lingers, choking all who breathe
the rancid air, and leaves behind a slag
of bitter ashes, poisonous and rank
with ancient injuries and present harms.
This is amazing! Thanks so much for sharing. I particularly love this:
He took a pause for breath
and then went on, "Except, of course, I am.
For I'm a human being, and so are you,
and I will celebrate our common ties,
our mutual humanity, our love
for one another, all the same, while still
honoring our individual uniqueness
Thanks! I thought it might resonate.
If you or any of your members would like a free reader's copy (epub or pdf) feel free to email me at tj at tjradcliffe dot com.
I'm in that exciting phase of trying to find a publisher, and very interested both in putting the book in front of interested readers and finding out how they respond to it.