"This isn’t an ordinary despair, easily wiped aware by love. It’s a superbug, a monster that is diminished but not fully killed by the anti-bacterial light of love. This leaves me despairing even more and wondering when, if ever, I will be released from the darkness. Even with all these friends, the coldness is thawed but not fully removed. Even with the extraordinary life I have lived and the support I receive I still feel, on nights like this, that I am fighting alone for my life."
Well you can still write my friend. I’m glad you’re finding some sort of relief, even if at a cost. People tend to glorify the tortured artist thing, and conveniently overlook that the psyche that produces amazing work is often the same psyche that leaves the person shattered on the side of the road. I don’t have your condition, but I have my own that makes me empathize with what you’re going through, I understand the crippling isolation of it. To paraphrase one of my poems, we are
“Lost children of an angry father
Together in loneliness”.
I may not be able to help you, but I see you. For whatever little or nothing that is worth.
I was on the porch earlier today, thinking something similar about medication.
Am I managing my anxiety at all, if a pill makes it go away? Or is it just managed for me? Is there a difference in not feeling due to drinking or other substances vs the assortment of meds I take that have similar results?
As always, I hate that just the act of living is so difficult for you, but I'm glad you're still here.
Proud of you Stephen! Around this time last year I was sure I wasn't going to survive my worsening episodes. I felt like I had tried every med but I finally found an antipsychotic that was strong enough to cut out the suicidality and gentle enough for it to not affect my energy levels much. Haven't had an episode since and have been able to do so much to rebuild a life I was sure I was going to lose.
You are doing everything right and you're such an inspiration to me. I'm so grateful for all your writing on this topic, isolation is one of the most insidious killers and you remind me it's possible to struggle out loud.
Proud of you too, man. I’m so glad you’ve found something that works. I’m hopeful that mine continues to be helpful. And yes — we can struggle out loud. Doing so helps keep me alive
So deeply grateful that you have a break from the pain. I know these words will never really convey how much I am grateful for you existing in a better space but here we are
I'm so glad you're still here. Thank you for sharing all this with us.
I wonder: if we assume your bipolar wants to kill something, and has turned on its host instead.... what do you think it wants to kill? What's it so mad at?
Damn it 😪 Iet my medium expire. SIGH solarseaman@gmail.com and it's time I join sub on my own. I forgot your Gmail coz I got you on my Comcast for this.
The very best part of life is the suffering. Pain. There's a song. Migraine brain forgets the group.
I will echo what others here have said, I am glad you are still here. At 36, your life has just left the starting gate of the Belmont Stakes. I use my pain, chronically migraine which is not in the same league as what you experience, to advocate for better care for those suffering from headache diseases. So when I read this, I am thinking your writing could be the one thing that saves some else, someone who suffers as you do. Your powerful words could tip the scales to the good for someone, or many someones. Please stay safe and keep writing.
"This isn’t an ordinary despair, easily wiped aware by love. It’s a superbug, a monster that is diminished but not fully killed by the anti-bacterial light of love. This leaves me despairing even more and wondering when, if ever, I will be released from the darkness. Even with all these friends, the coldness is thawed but not fully removed. Even with the extraordinary life I have lived and the support I receive I still feel, on nights like this, that I am fighting alone for my life."
Damn!!!! Power here. Power and pain. Beauty.
Thank you so much for receiving it <3
I relate.
Mental aikido/paradox I decide every day to surrender to:
"I want to die" echoes every morning, during every meditation, every time I quiet my mind.
But:
"I want to die" =/= "I want to die"
"I want to die" = "I want to change"
Our world is changing.
I am part of our world.
Death feels like change.
Change feels like death.
I am strong enough to recognize it and surrender to it.
The thought isn't a sentence, but a reminder.
I don't have to believe the thought as is. I am creative. Perceptive. Capable. Intelligent.
I know the world is changing.
It feels like dying.
I want it.
I surrender to it.
I am stronger than my thoughts.
“Change feels like dying.” Yes
Well you can still write my friend. I’m glad you’re finding some sort of relief, even if at a cost. People tend to glorify the tortured artist thing, and conveniently overlook that the psyche that produces amazing work is often the same psyche that leaves the person shattered on the side of the road. I don’t have your condition, but I have my own that makes me empathize with what you’re going through, I understand the crippling isolation of it. To paraphrase one of my poems, we are
“Lost children of an angry father
Together in loneliness”.
I may not be able to help you, but I see you. For whatever little or nothing that is worth.
Thank you, brother
I was on the porch earlier today, thinking something similar about medication.
Am I managing my anxiety at all, if a pill makes it go away? Or is it just managed for me? Is there a difference in not feeling due to drinking or other substances vs the assortment of meds I take that have similar results?
As always, I hate that just the act of living is so difficult for you, but I'm glad you're still here.
Yup. It’s a mindfuck
I share your disease and your pain. I am 74yo, so I beat the odds. One foot in front of the other
You give me hope, and glad you are still with us
Proud of you Stephen! Around this time last year I was sure I wasn't going to survive my worsening episodes. I felt like I had tried every med but I finally found an antipsychotic that was strong enough to cut out the suicidality and gentle enough for it to not affect my energy levels much. Haven't had an episode since and have been able to do so much to rebuild a life I was sure I was going to lose.
You are doing everything right and you're such an inspiration to me. I'm so grateful for all your writing on this topic, isolation is one of the most insidious killers and you remind me it's possible to struggle out loud.
Proud of you too, man. I’m so glad you’ve found something that works. I’m hopeful that mine continues to be helpful. And yes — we can struggle out loud. Doing so helps keep me alive
I like your phrase “struggle out loud.”
So deeply grateful that you have a break from the pain. I know these words will never really convey how much I am grateful for you existing in a better space but here we are
Thank you, brother
I'm glad you're here, Stephen. Thank you for being so open and sharing these things with us.
Thank you ❤️
I'm so glad you're still here. Thank you for sharing all this with us.
I wonder: if we assume your bipolar wants to kill something, and has turned on its host instead.... what do you think it wants to kill? What's it so mad at?
That’s a … really good question. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that more
Damn it 😪 Iet my medium expire. SIGH solarseaman@gmail.com and it's time I join sub on my own. I forgot your Gmail coz I got you on my Comcast for this.
The very best part of life is the suffering. Pain. There's a song. Migraine brain forgets the group.
https://open.spotify.com/track/5PZ2cqh9Yem2g6cTSOLllz?si=7Yd7P3M8Rou3Svp9wUiuMQ
Thanks for sharing man! And no worries about Medium!
I will echo what others here have said, I am glad you are still here. At 36, your life has just left the starting gate of the Belmont Stakes. I use my pain, chronically migraine which is not in the same league as what you experience, to advocate for better care for those suffering from headache diseases. So when I read this, I am thinking your writing could be the one thing that saves some else, someone who suffers as you do. Your powerful words could tip the scales to the good for someone, or many someones. Please stay safe and keep writing.