Thank you for this Stephen. I have a lot of contact with women who feel afraid and vulnerable in the current system, and it's important to remember this other side of it: Honestly, the patriarchy isn't working well for anyone, including the men. There is deep pain that underlies these things that are scary and triggering on the surface. We can't work on changing things unless we're willing to honestly look at the underlying causes, and see how to heal them.
Yes. I’m passionate about bringing the suffering of men to light because we are all intimately intertwined, and the suffering of men impacts everyone else.
Love the "coping ugly" thing. Also, your story about telling a friend about your porn addiction and being crushed by their response is almost exactly like an experience I had talking to an older sibling about masturbation. I wonder how many people have a similar story.
Re: coping ugly, the way I think about it (now sober) is like this - the goal is not perfection, since I've already missed that target. The premise is that every day sober is better than one not, so the goal is to maximize my odds of staying sober. Life will intervene and the plans of men will be overturned, and if mine are, I'll have another opportunity to make a good decision.
Never not quoting hooks in the Will to Change, which argues sex addiction specifically but fixation on sex generally is a result of men having other avenues of intimacy shut off - to the degree that many men cannot wrap their minds around intimacy as a concept other than "sex". This really spoke to me. I'm not a sex addict, nor a porn addict, but I place immensely inflated importance on sex, particularly the idea that being bad at it is indicative of deficient moral character on my part. This is absolutely because it's always looming over my thoughts about love.
This + the physical facts you mention make the idea of porn addiction obviously sympathetic to me. It would be very weird if men, who on avg have a hormonal/genital set up which enables fast but transient pleasure, *didn't* develop addictive behaviors around porn.
My main frustration with this topic is that people treat the idea of limiting your masturbation use as somehow politically suspicious. This is obviously because there genuinely is a contingent of nazis etc. who respond to this issue by trying to get people to preserve their 'essence'. But like, that's a pretty good reason in my book to start talking about this issue! It's genuinely a bad thing if someone addicted to something (and we know you can get addicted to damn near everything) looks for sympathy and only finds fascist death cultists!!
I also appreciate touching on the topic of social shame, which I think also ties in w/ hooks. This is part of the complex that says sex is the most important thing, the only form of connection, and defines you - but also that sex is shameful, a result of appetites which you are responsible for suppressing and controlling, and something which always threatens to destroy you (whether that's via lack of performance, too much performance, ethical issues, etc. etc. etc.) Memorably puts it that men are taught to think of their genitals as weapons that could backfire at any moment.
I think the power of that book is that it is able to hold a thought like this in one hand, and hold the fact that other people are victims of the sexual abuse of too many men as well, and point out that they are not in tension but actually complement each other. No one person's responsibility, but unscrewing our minds on this stuff will require being able to openly talk about it.
Thanks so much for sharing! It’s so interesting hearing other people’s experiences on this subject and how they differ from my own.
I’m personally very “pro-fap” and sexually libertarian, and I really don’t care if a guy is jerking off for two hours a day. I don’t see that as intrinsically harmful, bad, or an “addiction.” Instead, I care about *how* he does it, and whether he has a robust set of values, and is living in accordance with them. So I tend to think limiting masturbation is the wrong conversation — I want to focus on values, desires, presence, and integration. Sometimes that will result in a reduction of masturbation, but other times it won’t. I support guys in all those outcomes. But I think we have to start at a much more granular level.
But all that aside, my goal in this essay was to cultivate empathy and humanity across all ideological divides with regards to compulsive porn use, and the suffering beneath it.
Oh to be clear my less overarching take is that total abstinence is counter productive (all the more reason to get empathetic but not kookoo perspectives out there); I tend to be pro- any effort to moderate a habit, though (e.g. taking a break), but that may be my unsated-by-stimulus brain talking - I'm just sympathetic to the idea of moderation being hard to do!
I think that’s totally fair. I was just talking to someone yesterday about porn/alcohol/etc and he typified them as “vices” — things that are ok to indulge in but should be used in moderation.
I objected to the use of “vice” because such language does not communicate the sacredness I see in them. He clarified that, as someone in recovery, the language of “vice” is helpful to remind him that there is danger there. Which I totally see and respect.
So I totally see where you are coming from, and I think that clarifying one’s values will have a fundamentally *transformative* effect on one’s behavior, and that may include moderation.
Thank you for this post, because realistically, at some level, I think most men—and a number of women even now—are to some extent facing this problem (even if it doesn’t seem to be ruining their lives). What is porn use usually besides a search for connection, a lonely and realistically most always a disappointing endeavor where one is seeking one thing but trying to find it in a place that doesn’t truly exist. Sex, no matter how much we want to take away moralist attitudes about it will always have the telos or as it’s proper end the desire to be known and know, to give and receive one another, and once it leaves this dynamic it leads to a sort of sad estrangement from our humanity. Just a thought.
We might take a fundamentally different approaches to porn, and that's ok. For example, I don't see porn as a lonely search for connection. I think it *can* be that, and often is, but when engaged healthily, I see it as a positive celebration of carnality and the human form. I don't see that as lonely at all. (This perspective also likely comes from being gay. In my experience, the gay world has a radically different experience with porn.)
But all that is beside the point. I wrote this article with the intention of cutting across all the ethical and religious divides and focusing on the suffering of men who struggle. I'm heartened that I'm getting a positive response from secular, progressive people, and conservative, religious people. That shows me that this topic touches everyone and that we can all care about our brothers who are suffering.
I sent this to some friends of mine who are self-described “porn addicts”. I hope I’m thinking along these lines the next time a friend lays something like this on me.
This is such a thoughtful piece. I read it yesterday and again today. What really resonated was the sense of grace it conveyed in the face of messy living.
Sex and death (specifically the act of dying) are the two topics that we as a culture personally care deeply about but don't seem to be able to discuss.
I've never heard of ugly coping before. Trauma therapy is so freaking hard but I always somehow feel like a failure afterwards to just want to turn off the emotions (all of them) and stop thinking just for a little while. Porn isn't my go to, but your advice about grace for yourself in those times is helpful.
I'm so glad that concept is useful. We so often take a purity approach to life and healing. That just creates more suffering because the human race is not pure, and that's beautiful.
This article does so much good to encourage vulnerability among men as a normal and desirable goal. Toxic masculinity is about how outrage and incredulity that the problem exists in the first place. You’re doing the opposite of that here; you’re searching for how we can help each other.
Such an insightful and honest and helpfully balanced reflection, Stephen. I'm involved in a couple of 12 Step fellowships and specifically, men's fellowships, and this is an important issue for so many, as is the need for compassion and understanding and nonjudgmental support. Much appreciated!
yes. beautiful and clear and blazingly empathetic. when “content” is triggering, or potentially so, it may be harder to ask “what’s right about this action or behavior?” but that is the way in. I had to wait until late in life to get the download that all my compulsions were the best strategies my system had come up with so far, with most of these derivatives/extrapolations of strategies from childhood. awareness + connection enable the possibility of — in this order — support for the original wounding and then support for creating kinder coping mechanisms. thank you for your writing.
I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to read something so objective, well-rounded and free of judgment when it comes to men’s porn use. It’s my experience that many men will fall into the cycles you described here (religious self-shaming, self-diagnosis, or double down on compulsive behaviour) because those are the messages they receive from our wider culture concerning porn use. Shame and more shame. Reality is much more nuanced and, thankfully, forgiving.
Thanks for the reply Stephen: Your a Good Man Hope you are recovering from the floods in western North Carolina. If I could I would like to Talk with you I lost a good friend recently
Who was an addiction counselor and was gay and was a big help to me for 9 years with my life If I could send a private email that would be helpful. I appreciate Your wisdom! Davep
Despair comes in many forms. The despair is the thing to address, not the coping.
The irony is that sex, or the possibility of it or desiring of it, is so often a block to women helping men. Women fear men’s desire for them, a lot of the time.
I’m out of words… I’m 2 weeks clean from PORN use and the reason why I was able to finally stop is whenever I had the urge or the thought, I just tell myself “JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK OF IT, doesn’t mean you’re a BAD PERSON, or YOU WANT TO DO IT. This is your body’s way of healing from being a compulsive user for 7 years”
I like minimizing my experiences a lot. Because I believe some people had it worst than me. That’s why when I experience that break up, I tend to numb myself and tell myself to get over it because people are starving and getting killed in a war. But that’s not OKAY. I am lonely because of that breakup. My confidence was dissolved. I feel worthless. And that same issues and emotions I’ve been trying to hide that’s why I’m using porn to numb myself and get to sleep. I need to validate my experiences, how painful they are, because it’s mine. And all experiences are valid.
Thank you Stephen! Life has been so great recently since I stopped. And you’re RIGHT! Addressing the emotions behind the compulsion is the key. There’s a lot of tears and pain in the process I’m not going to lie. But I’d rather have it than being awful the next day because I succumbed to my fleeting desires. And honestly, I feel more secure, more ALIVE, more amazing! Letting go of porn use is possible :)))
Great post. I always just assumed people were uncomfortable talking about porn because it hit too close to home. If you say at a table, "Hey, some people masturbate four times per day and watch porn for hours at a time," it's not a long shot at all that multiple people feel called out--female and male--either for behavior they're currently engaging in or have engaged in at one time. Perhaps this is my own fantastic imagination but I believe I've clocked several heavy porn users by using this method. They give themselves away. What do I do with this information? Absolutely nothing but I can't stop my radar from lighting up when I notice it.
It sounds like you are amazing at dinner parties! I for one would *love* to be at that table lol.
And to be fair, I don't actually have a problem if people are masturbating four times a day or watch porn for hours at a time. What I care about are the underlying principles that guide their sexual behavior, whether their behavior is disrupting their life, and whether such behavior conflicts with their values. Otherwise, I 100% don't care if a dude is jerking off all afternoon.
haha how it usually goes is someone makes a joke trying to introduce the subject and then I fill the silence and just go for the jugular. You talk about it for 1 minute and then the subject gets changed and everyone acts like it never happened and they never bring it up again. But it's a very entertaining minute.
Thank you for this Stephen. I have a lot of contact with women who feel afraid and vulnerable in the current system, and it's important to remember this other side of it: Honestly, the patriarchy isn't working well for anyone, including the men. There is deep pain that underlies these things that are scary and triggering on the surface. We can't work on changing things unless we're willing to honestly look at the underlying causes, and see how to heal them.
Yes. I’m passionate about bringing the suffering of men to light because we are all intimately intertwined, and the suffering of men impacts everyone else.
Love the "coping ugly" thing. Also, your story about telling a friend about your porn addiction and being crushed by their response is almost exactly like an experience I had talking to an older sibling about masturbation. I wonder how many people have a similar story.
Aww man, yeah I think so many of us have stories like that.
Re: coping ugly, the way I think about it (now sober) is like this - the goal is not perfection, since I've already missed that target. The premise is that every day sober is better than one not, so the goal is to maximize my odds of staying sober. Life will intervene and the plans of men will be overturned, and if mine are, I'll have another opportunity to make a good decision.
Never not quoting hooks in the Will to Change, which argues sex addiction specifically but fixation on sex generally is a result of men having other avenues of intimacy shut off - to the degree that many men cannot wrap their minds around intimacy as a concept other than "sex". This really spoke to me. I'm not a sex addict, nor a porn addict, but I place immensely inflated importance on sex, particularly the idea that being bad at it is indicative of deficient moral character on my part. This is absolutely because it's always looming over my thoughts about love.
This + the physical facts you mention make the idea of porn addiction obviously sympathetic to me. It would be very weird if men, who on avg have a hormonal/genital set up which enables fast but transient pleasure, *didn't* develop addictive behaviors around porn.
My main frustration with this topic is that people treat the idea of limiting your masturbation use as somehow politically suspicious. This is obviously because there genuinely is a contingent of nazis etc. who respond to this issue by trying to get people to preserve their 'essence'. But like, that's a pretty good reason in my book to start talking about this issue! It's genuinely a bad thing if someone addicted to something (and we know you can get addicted to damn near everything) looks for sympathy and only finds fascist death cultists!!
I also appreciate touching on the topic of social shame, which I think also ties in w/ hooks. This is part of the complex that says sex is the most important thing, the only form of connection, and defines you - but also that sex is shameful, a result of appetites which you are responsible for suppressing and controlling, and something which always threatens to destroy you (whether that's via lack of performance, too much performance, ethical issues, etc. etc. etc.) Memorably puts it that men are taught to think of their genitals as weapons that could backfire at any moment.
I think the power of that book is that it is able to hold a thought like this in one hand, and hold the fact that other people are victims of the sexual abuse of too many men as well, and point out that they are not in tension but actually complement each other. No one person's responsibility, but unscrewing our minds on this stuff will require being able to openly talk about it.
Thanks so much for sharing! It’s so interesting hearing other people’s experiences on this subject and how they differ from my own.
I’m personally very “pro-fap” and sexually libertarian, and I really don’t care if a guy is jerking off for two hours a day. I don’t see that as intrinsically harmful, bad, or an “addiction.” Instead, I care about *how* he does it, and whether he has a robust set of values, and is living in accordance with them. So I tend to think limiting masturbation is the wrong conversation — I want to focus on values, desires, presence, and integration. Sometimes that will result in a reduction of masturbation, but other times it won’t. I support guys in all those outcomes. But I think we have to start at a much more granular level.
But all that aside, my goal in this essay was to cultivate empathy and humanity across all ideological divides with regards to compulsive porn use, and the suffering beneath it.
But more importantly I think you achieved your goal!
I’m so glad!
Oh to be clear my less overarching take is that total abstinence is counter productive (all the more reason to get empathetic but not kookoo perspectives out there); I tend to be pro- any effort to moderate a habit, though (e.g. taking a break), but that may be my unsated-by-stimulus brain talking - I'm just sympathetic to the idea of moderation being hard to do!
I think that’s totally fair. I was just talking to someone yesterday about porn/alcohol/etc and he typified them as “vices” — things that are ok to indulge in but should be used in moderation.
I objected to the use of “vice” because such language does not communicate the sacredness I see in them. He clarified that, as someone in recovery, the language of “vice” is helpful to remind him that there is danger there. Which I totally see and respect.
So I totally see where you are coming from, and I think that clarifying one’s values will have a fundamentally *transformative* effect on one’s behavior, and that may include moderation.
Thank you for this post, because realistically, at some level, I think most men—and a number of women even now—are to some extent facing this problem (even if it doesn’t seem to be ruining their lives). What is porn use usually besides a search for connection, a lonely and realistically most always a disappointing endeavor where one is seeking one thing but trying to find it in a place that doesn’t truly exist. Sex, no matter how much we want to take away moralist attitudes about it will always have the telos or as it’s proper end the desire to be known and know, to give and receive one another, and once it leaves this dynamic it leads to a sort of sad estrangement from our humanity. Just a thought.
We might take a fundamentally different approaches to porn, and that's ok. For example, I don't see porn as a lonely search for connection. I think it *can* be that, and often is, but when engaged healthily, I see it as a positive celebration of carnality and the human form. I don't see that as lonely at all. (This perspective also likely comes from being gay. In my experience, the gay world has a radically different experience with porn.)
But all that is beside the point. I wrote this article with the intention of cutting across all the ethical and religious divides and focusing on the suffering of men who struggle. I'm heartened that I'm getting a positive response from secular, progressive people, and conservative, religious people. That shows me that this topic touches everyone and that we can all care about our brothers who are suffering.
I sent this to some friends of mine who are self-described “porn addicts”. I hope I’m thinking along these lines the next time a friend lays something like this on me.
I hope they find it helpful!
This is such a thoughtful piece. I read it yesterday and again today. What really resonated was the sense of grace it conveyed in the face of messy living.
Sex and death (specifically the act of dying) are the two topics that we as a culture personally care deeply about but don't seem to be able to discuss.
I've never heard of ugly coping before. Trauma therapy is so freaking hard but I always somehow feel like a failure afterwards to just want to turn off the emotions (all of them) and stop thinking just for a little while. Porn isn't my go to, but your advice about grace for yourself in those times is helpful.
I'm so glad that concept is useful. We so often take a purity approach to life and healing. That just creates more suffering because the human race is not pure, and that's beautiful.
This article does so much good to encourage vulnerability among men as a normal and desirable goal. Toxic masculinity is about how outrage and incredulity that the problem exists in the first place. You’re doing the opposite of that here; you’re searching for how we can help each other.
I’m so glad you think so! That’s my hope
Such an insightful and honest and helpfully balanced reflection, Stephen. I'm involved in a couple of 12 Step fellowships and specifically, men's fellowships, and this is an important issue for so many, as is the need for compassion and understanding and nonjudgmental support. Much appreciated!
Glad you found it helpful!
yes. beautiful and clear and blazingly empathetic. when “content” is triggering, or potentially so, it may be harder to ask “what’s right about this action or behavior?” but that is the way in. I had to wait until late in life to get the download that all my compulsions were the best strategies my system had come up with so far, with most of these derivatives/extrapolations of strategies from childhood. awareness + connection enable the possibility of — in this order — support for the original wounding and then support for creating kinder coping mechanisms. thank you for your writing.
Absolutely. Thank you for sharing. We can be kinder to ourselves about our coping mechanisms. We are only human.
I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to read something so objective, well-rounded and free of judgment when it comes to men’s porn use. It’s my experience that many men will fall into the cycles you described here (religious self-shaming, self-diagnosis, or double down on compulsive behaviour) because those are the messages they receive from our wider culture concerning porn use. Shame and more shame. Reality is much more nuanced and, thankfully, forgiving.
Exactly. We all need another way. Frank honesty and total acceptance of male sexually is the way forward.
Thanks for the reply Stephen: Your a Good Man Hope you are recovering from the floods in western North Carolina. If I could I would like to Talk with you I lost a good friend recently
Who was an addiction counselor and was gay and was a big help to me for 9 years with my life If I could send a private email that would be helpful. I appreciate Your wisdom! Davep
I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. I’d be happy to chat. Feel free to email or DM me
Despair comes in many forms. The despair is the thing to address, not the coping.
The irony is that sex, or the possibility of it or desiring of it, is so often a block to women helping men. Women fear men’s desire for them, a lot of the time.
Absolutely
so important
Thank you for reading
I’m out of words… I’m 2 weeks clean from PORN use and the reason why I was able to finally stop is whenever I had the urge or the thought, I just tell myself “JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK OF IT, doesn’t mean you’re a BAD PERSON, or YOU WANT TO DO IT. This is your body’s way of healing from being a compulsive user for 7 years”
I like minimizing my experiences a lot. Because I believe some people had it worst than me. That’s why when I experience that break up, I tend to numb myself and tell myself to get over it because people are starving and getting killed in a war. But that’s not OKAY. I am lonely because of that breakup. My confidence was dissolved. I feel worthless. And that same issues and emotions I’ve been trying to hide that’s why I’m using porn to numb myself and get to sleep. I need to validate my experiences, how painful they are, because it’s mine. And all experiences are valid.
Thank you Stephen! Life has been so great recently since I stopped. And you’re RIGHT! Addressing the emotions behind the compulsion is the key. There’s a lot of tears and pain in the process I’m not going to lie. But I’d rather have it than being awful the next day because I succumbed to my fleeting desires. And honestly, I feel more secure, more ALIVE, more amazing! Letting go of porn use is possible :)))
Hey man! I’m glad to hear that you feel like you’re in a good place. All the best
Great articlestephen I recently talked to a friend about porn and he made me feel good just by sharing my concern about the guilt of watching
That it was good for me to share with someone I trust. God Bless davep
I'm so glad you were able to find that relief and compassion. It's so important not to feel alone. It's good to hear from you, brother
Great post. I always just assumed people were uncomfortable talking about porn because it hit too close to home. If you say at a table, "Hey, some people masturbate four times per day and watch porn for hours at a time," it's not a long shot at all that multiple people feel called out--female and male--either for behavior they're currently engaging in or have engaged in at one time. Perhaps this is my own fantastic imagination but I believe I've clocked several heavy porn users by using this method. They give themselves away. What do I do with this information? Absolutely nothing but I can't stop my radar from lighting up when I notice it.
It sounds like you are amazing at dinner parties! I for one would *love* to be at that table lol.
And to be fair, I don't actually have a problem if people are masturbating four times a day or watch porn for hours at a time. What I care about are the underlying principles that guide their sexual behavior, whether their behavior is disrupting their life, and whether such behavior conflicts with their values. Otherwise, I 100% don't care if a dude is jerking off all afternoon.
haha how it usually goes is someone makes a joke trying to introduce the subject and then I fill the silence and just go for the jugular. You talk about it for 1 minute and then the subject gets changed and everyone acts like it never happened and they never bring it up again. But it's a very entertaining minute.
Fun!