Oh, Stephen, it feels so long ago, and just like yesterday. The raw edge of pain and terror. The risks you faced, and still face, sharing.
The places we cave and have to climb up just to reach vulnerability and claw our way to strength. I love the way you write, surrounded by wisdom and tools for maintaining it. 3am is a place too familiar to me. Several call a friend moments in under a week, darkness looming, drowning my eyes in tears and my body in tension that isn't attached to any particular place, worse because it has no specific home or cause.
Awake since 1am, reading and thinking of friends who reach out to me at simplest hint of discomforting. And here you are, reminding me of the importance of preplanned things, mentioning Peterson, who I'm not sure I like, but whose 12 Rules I'm now reading while figuring out why I
This essay also reminds me of the idea that we can have radical/harmful ideas but these ideas do not happen over night. They happen in degrees. They happen in baby steps until we look back and realize we walked a thousand miles into hell without even realizing it as we approach 3am. As I continue to read House of Leaves, MZD continues to touch on this idea of blurred lines. When did my descent begin? Where did I go wrong? 3am is a full stop but I notice that when I hit the 3am test it's because I took a thousand micro steps to the 3am point and I didnt even realize it. For me, 3am is never a clear time.
As an ex-addict I have to watch my micro steps each and every day and check myself. It's exhausting but as an addict it's the only way I am able to live productively and with hope.
Footnote: I am going to bring up House of Leaves and Palahniuk a lot so just enjoy. Oh. And Dr. Peterson. My bad.
I think this is an important insight. Hell comes upon us gradually. It's all about being able to look ahead and ask myself, "if I keep going as I am, will I end up in hell in a decade?"
Also, just to keep the comments section tidy, if you could keep your comments to one big comment, or at least thread them by replying to yourself, that would be helpful!
Stephen! this is an excellent article! It takes a lot of courage to be this honest and vulnerable in your writing, too. You should be proud that you’re able to do that and that you’re willing to share your insight and life lessons with your readership. The 3 am test is so real and we’ve all been through it - breaking down how you process these moments and sharing how you’ve gotten through the worst times is such a kind thing to do. I think this explanation will help a lot of people view their struggles differently and encourage them to focus on strategies and intentional decisions, habits, practices, etc. to ensure they make it through. Thank you for sharing this, you are truly a gem. 💎
Thank you for sharing your pain. Although I can't imagine what your stress is like, as I read about it I can't help but remember the struggles of my own opiate addiction and recovery and the recent sudden loss of a dear sweet friend.
The sweet and darling thoughts I have about myself tell me that I would definitely pass the 3am test. But that's the struggle isn't it? I don't truly know what I'm going to do until my back is against the wall. I hope and want to know I will never take opiates again but do I really know that? I thank God every day for my sweet friends, mentors and my work/writing. Writing keeps me focused and I suppose it's a form of meditation.
Oh, Stephen, it feels so long ago, and just like yesterday. The raw edge of pain and terror. The risks you faced, and still face, sharing.
The places we cave and have to climb up just to reach vulnerability and claw our way to strength. I love the way you write, surrounded by wisdom and tools for maintaining it. 3am is a place too familiar to me. Several call a friend moments in under a week, darkness looming, drowning my eyes in tears and my body in tension that isn't attached to any particular place, worse because it has no specific home or cause.
Awake since 1am, reading and thinking of friends who reach out to me at simplest hint of discomforting. And here you are, reminding me of the importance of preplanned things, mentioning Peterson, who I'm not sure I like, but whose 12 Rules I'm now reading while figuring out why I
don't clean my room.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Sandy <3
Speaking of Peterson, I have a piece on him that I'm planning on republishing soon.
Ah! All about the pre-planning!
This essay also reminds me of the idea that we can have radical/harmful ideas but these ideas do not happen over night. They happen in degrees. They happen in baby steps until we look back and realize we walked a thousand miles into hell without even realizing it as we approach 3am. As I continue to read House of Leaves, MZD continues to touch on this idea of blurred lines. When did my descent begin? Where did I go wrong? 3am is a full stop but I notice that when I hit the 3am test it's because I took a thousand micro steps to the 3am point and I didnt even realize it. For me, 3am is never a clear time.
As an ex-addict I have to watch my micro steps each and every day and check myself. It's exhausting but as an addict it's the only way I am able to live productively and with hope.
Footnote: I am going to bring up House of Leaves and Palahniuk a lot so just enjoy. Oh. And Dr. Peterson. My bad.
I think this is an important insight. Hell comes upon us gradually. It's all about being able to look ahead and ask myself, "if I keep going as I am, will I end up in hell in a decade?"
Also, just to keep the comments section tidy, if you could keep your comments to one big comment, or at least thread them by replying to yourself, that would be helpful!
I sorry. I will go back and fix my most recent one.
No problem! Thanks for understanding :)
Stephen! this is an excellent article! It takes a lot of courage to be this honest and vulnerable in your writing, too. You should be proud that you’re able to do that and that you’re willing to share your insight and life lessons with your readership. The 3 am test is so real and we’ve all been through it - breaking down how you process these moments and sharing how you’ve gotten through the worst times is such a kind thing to do. I think this explanation will help a lot of people view their struggles differently and encourage them to focus on strategies and intentional decisions, habits, practices, etc. to ensure they make it through. Thank you for sharing this, you are truly a gem. 💎
Thank you friend <3
Hail Mr. Palahniuk. His time and teachings saved my life!
https://youtu.be/bfDOoADCfkg?si=uQ2kJrUD5a3MZsZW
Thank you mentioning Jordan P. His online lectures and encouragement to start writing changed my life. His lectures still push me.
Thank you for sharing your pain. Although I can't imagine what your stress is like, as I read about it I can't help but remember the struggles of my own opiate addiction and recovery and the recent sudden loss of a dear sweet friend.
The sweet and darling thoughts I have about myself tell me that I would definitely pass the 3am test. But that's the struggle isn't it? I don't truly know what I'm going to do until my back is against the wall. I hope and want to know I will never take opiates again but do I really know that? I thank God every day for my sweet friends, mentors and my work/writing. Writing keeps me focused and I suppose it's a form of meditation.