Oct 17·edited Oct 17Liked by Stephen Bradford Long
Thank you! As I read this essay, a poem I think about often popped into my head"
""whoever has no house now, will never have one.
whoever is alone, will stay alone. will sit, read, write long letters through the evening.
and wander the boulevards, restlessly, while the dry leaves are blow" --Rilke
When I first read this poem I had a strong reaction of both sadness but I was also relieved and calmed by the words. Maybe it's human nature to always search and never settle. Maybe the modern lifestyle of humans is completely wrong and our human brains are more geared towards chasing wild boars and trying not to die in the wilderness like our ancestors.
In the Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition, this yearning is understood to be a feeling of separation from God, not religion. It’s considered a good thing, the awakening of love of God. Think of lovers who are forced by circumstance to be apart, their separation makes their yearning for each other more intense. That's all they have of each other.
If it’s any comfort to you, I always think that yearning isn’t coming only from you, it’s also coming from God. As much as you want God, that is the window, or the lens through which you can experience his yearning for you.
There are a great many prayers in the Hindu bhakti or devotional traditions which express this sentiment.
To me it is helpful to view this yearning in the light of Freud’s theory of ‘the derivation of religious needs from the helplessness of the child and a longing for its father’.
Life is hard. We are animals. What keeps you from a monastic cell is exactly what would have kept you if you still believed in God.
If you believe the rules and strictures of religion are good, you can still try to follow them. You might miss the consolation of being part of some divine order, but actually you still are even if you don’t believe in an all powerful god on top.
Thank you for sharing and for baring your soul to us! Very reminiscent of G.K. Chesterton’s journey (when he was a young man, before he met his wife, Frances, he was right where you are now), and Dorothy Day was once in the spot you are presently. Have you read her book The Long Loneliness? Sounds like your situation right now.
Also, I recommend U2’s ballad I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. This post reminds me very much of that.
I’ve never been where you are now, so I won’t even pretend I understand your experience, because I’m not in your shoes, but I do love and respect that you are on a journey seeking the truth and committed to following the truth wherever it leads you. I hope someday you find that truth you are seeking, and I deeply appreciate your openness to the truth. You’re a good man, Stephen.
There are churches, theologians, and denominations who will fully affirm you as you are, meeting you wherever you are on your spiritual journey, and celebrating your love for whomever you are called to love. The Bible is only true when Christians interpret it agapically, as Christ did, with regard to his own Hebrew scriptures.
My best friend from my Divinity School days was a huge Narnia and CS Lewis fan. Seeing the way his eyes would light up with joy and wonder whenever he spoke about Aslan was infectious. So I can imagine some of what your connection to the character might feel like. It's very sweet that you still wear a lion ring for Aslan.
The need for spiritual meaning and connection to something more enduring than one's self is where I find atheistic secularism fails. The myths we tell each other and ourselves matter. For some, they can create a mythos from whole cloth on their own, but many, dare I say most, cannot do that or do not want to do that.
Have you considered another religion? I cried the day I confirmed in the Presbyterian church. I cried literally for hours both before the ceremony and all through it. [My friends were concerned] I realized later that I wanted it to mean something and it didn't. So I went hunting. Paganism was a good fit for me and continues to be so 45 years later. If we don't fill that god-shaped hole, something less savory is likely to fill it. [no, not talking about the Christian evil dude that I don't believe in]
Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, I don’t think I have a choice. And I think you articulated it well: I want it to be something it isn’t. Thank you 🙏
I have felt this yearning, and it is strong, but to me it is nostalgia, and I give it no quarter. I don’t think God likes groups, and I think the Spirit would be disappointed in me should I try to hide beneath the skirts of Mother Church. My calling is art and I will not abandon it because I long to go back to the churches of my childhood and youth.
I've been in a similar situation. I found a church that is so open and accepting that it helped heal a lot of my religious trauma, and at first it satisfied the longing for spiritual community. (Side note, have you read Richard Rorh? His book The Universal Christ is a big favorite of the pastor there). After about a year though, it didn't feel like it was doing it anymore. The more I dug into it, and it's hard to put this feeling into words, but it was like it was so open that it didn't have any support structure. There was little to no theology to grow into. I still work there and run sound and I love the people, but I've been doing a very deep dive on Eastern Orthodoxy in my personal spiritual life. I love the crossover with Buddhist practices like deep prayer/meditation that I did and studied for years in the past. I've really been loving a podcast called Lord of Spirits, hosted by two Orthodox priests who are total nerds, and they explain the ancient Christian mythologies (and therefore Jewish and other cultures at the time). Whether you believe it or not, it is very eye opening to learn about the fullness of the stories. Growing up Protestant, I never realized I was missing 1500+ years of history and tradition.
I got to go to a service at a Greek Orthodox church last week. It was so different, but I described the feeling to my girlfriend as satisfying some ancient, primal thing in my brain. The ritual, the incense, the chanting, all of it together was similar to the feeling I get when sitting around a campfire. That primal feeling of "yep, this is what humans are supposed to be doing". It was fascinating and a much needed experience. Now, the kicker for me is that I'm trans and the "typical" Orthodox person is very conservative. I don't know if I could be 'out', although I don't feel the need to actually join the church right now. I've also been reading about a few saints they have who were seemingly FtM (born female but lived as male monks), and it wasn't until they died that their birth sex was discovered. They were still elevated to saint status, so it doesn't actually appear to be a big issue. But that leaves the other issue of if I want to be part of something that, today, might turn away others in my community who don't 'pass' or are openly gay, etc. But right now the practices and stories are enriching my life greatly, so all I can do is continue with what works for me, wherever I find it.
Caden! It’s so good to hear your thoughts. I couldn’t have described it better myself: that sitting around a campfire; that primal feeling of “this is what we are meant to do.” I’m also 100% with you regarding being lgbt and not being able to quite fit into the spaces. Well said, and thank you for sharing.
It's funny I remember one of your episode where you talked about the spiritual border lands. This article reminds me a lot of that. I've personally never been comfortable being boxed into a set official religion. Which is probably why most of my religious experiences with institutions and groups have been... Unique, to put it kindly. In a way I've built my own personal box. With parts from different religions and philosophies. It has a conversation with someone recently about my own belief system and they askede about God and an afterlife. I had to admit that I honestly don't know and have had to struggle with being fine with that. I pray, meditate and do rituals because they make me feel better and give me a sense of peace from that sense of peace I am able to be kind and do what I can for family and loved ones ore even a total stranger. The universe may be a chaotic place that makes no sense and have no planned purpose. I have to be okay with that and my just end up as dust. But I'm here now and I'm trying to make sense of now. I will let the other stuff worry about itself.
I haven’t connected this article to the borderlands concept, but I think that’s correct. It sounds like you have found much greater peace in the borderlands than I have. Maybe some day I will get there.
I identify with so much of this, Stephen. Even though I have a church community I feel welcome in and pursues work that matches my values, it is not a community I feel a spiritual affinity to. I’m beginning to wonder if the mysticism I longed for and felt just out of my grasp during my adolescence and young adulthood was me fooling myself or a shortfall of my spirituality.
Thank you! As I read this essay, a poem I think about often popped into my head"
""whoever has no house now, will never have one.
whoever is alone, will stay alone. will sit, read, write long letters through the evening.
and wander the boulevards, restlessly, while the dry leaves are blow" --Rilke
When I first read this poem I had a strong reaction of both sadness but I was also relieved and calmed by the words. Maybe it's human nature to always search and never settle. Maybe the modern lifestyle of humans is completely wrong and our human brains are more geared towards chasing wild boars and trying not to die in the wilderness like our ancestors.
Oh my goodness, that is beautiful. I love Rilke.
This beautiful essay brought a poem to my mind as well, Larkin's "Church Going":
Power of some sort or other will go on
In games, in riddles, seemingly at random;
But superstition, like belief, must die,
And what remains when disbelief has gone?
Ohhh! That is lovely!
Love that
In the Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition, this yearning is understood to be a feeling of separation from God, not religion. It’s considered a good thing, the awakening of love of God. Think of lovers who are forced by circumstance to be apart, their separation makes their yearning for each other more intense. That's all they have of each other.
If it’s any comfort to you, I always think that yearning isn’t coming only from you, it’s also coming from God. As much as you want God, that is the window, or the lens through which you can experience his yearning for you.
There are a great many prayers in the Hindu bhakti or devotional traditions which express this sentiment.
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing <3
To me it is helpful to view this yearning in the light of Freud’s theory of ‘the derivation of religious needs from the helplessness of the child and a longing for its father’.
Life is hard. We are animals. What keeps you from a monastic cell is exactly what would have kept you if you still believed in God.
There might be truth to that! Could you unpack your last sentence for me?
If you believe the rules and strictures of religion are good, you can still try to follow them. You might miss the consolation of being part of some divine order, but actually you still are even if you don’t believe in an all powerful god on top.
Now I follow! Yes, agreed. I’m trying to come up with a coherent way (for me) to do just that. Hoping to write more about that in the future.
Thank you for sharing and for baring your soul to us! Very reminiscent of G.K. Chesterton’s journey (when he was a young man, before he met his wife, Frances, he was right where you are now), and Dorothy Day was once in the spot you are presently. Have you read her book The Long Loneliness? Sounds like your situation right now.
Also, I recommend U2’s ballad I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. This post reminds me very much of that.
I’ve never been where you are now, so I won’t even pretend I understand your experience, because I’m not in your shoes, but I do love and respect that you are on a journey seeking the truth and committed to following the truth wherever it leads you. I hope someday you find that truth you are seeking, and I deeply appreciate your openness to the truth. You’re a good man, Stephen.
Thank you so much, friend. Your kindness and support go a long way. I haven’t read Dorothy Sayers yet. I really must.
You mean you haven’t read Dorothy Day, I’m assuming? Just making sure. 😉
Ha! Yes, I mean Dorothy Day. I *have* read Dorothy Sayers and I love her.
Honestly, I prefer Sayers . . . . Day is good, Sayers is brilliant . . .
He is!
There are churches, theologians, and denominations who will fully affirm you as you are, meeting you wherever you are on your spiritual journey, and celebrating your love for whomever you are called to love. The Bible is only true when Christians interpret it agapically, as Christ did, with regard to his own Hebrew scriptures.
Absolutely!
My best friend from my Divinity School days was a huge Narnia and CS Lewis fan. Seeing the way his eyes would light up with joy and wonder whenever he spoke about Aslan was infectious. So I can imagine some of what your connection to the character might feel like. It's very sweet that you still wear a lion ring for Aslan.
Thank you friend. Yeah, I still adore Narnia.
I cannot recommend this book enough. A philosophy professor with a very wise stance and some very interesting points. Did you see (I'm pretty sure it was) Ashleigh Vaughan's recent post, on very similar lines to yours? Interesting discussion thread there. https://www.routledge.com/On-Religion/Caputo/p/book/9781138714861?srsltid=AfmBOopiab1yHEazRmglQ_4BaDJiTWUjXNx5utn7InZV8ORCGWjAPvTi
Oh wonderful! Thank you for the resources.
Found a quick intro that might be interesting. https://www.ncronline.org/opinion/ncr-voices/qa-philosopher-john-caputo-about-what-believe-and-radical-theology. This is a space that many of us are in: what they taught us and what most churches teach us is absolutely not getting to the *heart of the thing* . And we're left adrift and looking for resources ourselves!
Very true. Caputo looks fascinating
Lovely man, too ( based on what I've seen of him publicly). Playful and tender.
Sometimes, in moments of complete desperation, I beg a god I don’t believe in for mercy. To kill me. But this god has remained merciless.
Me too ❤️
The need for spiritual meaning and connection to something more enduring than one's self is where I find atheistic secularism fails. The myths we tell each other and ourselves matter. For some, they can create a mythos from whole cloth on their own, but many, dare I say most, cannot do that or do not want to do that.
Completely agree. It is a serious challenge in a secular society, and one I don’t think atheists take seriously enough.
Have you considered another religion? I cried the day I confirmed in the Presbyterian church. I cried literally for hours both before the ceremony and all through it. [My friends were concerned] I realized later that I wanted it to mean something and it didn't. So I went hunting. Paganism was a good fit for me and continues to be so 45 years later. If we don't fill that god-shaped hole, something less savory is likely to fill it. [no, not talking about the Christian evil dude that I don't believe in]
Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, I don’t think I have a choice. And I think you articulated it well: I want it to be something it isn’t. Thank you 🙏
There are spiritual communities that offer ritual and social support without requiring belief in the supernatural. The Soto Zen school comes to mind.
Yes! Zen is next on my list for a deep dive (currently working my way through Stoic philosophy. Will turn to Zen when that’s complete.)
I have felt this yearning, and it is strong, but to me it is nostalgia, and I give it no quarter. I don’t think God likes groups, and I think the Spirit would be disappointed in me should I try to hide beneath the skirts of Mother Church. My calling is art and I will not abandon it because I long to go back to the churches of my childhood and youth.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience. I’m glad you have this level of clarity about the yearning you experience.
I've been in a similar situation. I found a church that is so open and accepting that it helped heal a lot of my religious trauma, and at first it satisfied the longing for spiritual community. (Side note, have you read Richard Rorh? His book The Universal Christ is a big favorite of the pastor there). After about a year though, it didn't feel like it was doing it anymore. The more I dug into it, and it's hard to put this feeling into words, but it was like it was so open that it didn't have any support structure. There was little to no theology to grow into. I still work there and run sound and I love the people, but I've been doing a very deep dive on Eastern Orthodoxy in my personal spiritual life. I love the crossover with Buddhist practices like deep prayer/meditation that I did and studied for years in the past. I've really been loving a podcast called Lord of Spirits, hosted by two Orthodox priests who are total nerds, and they explain the ancient Christian mythologies (and therefore Jewish and other cultures at the time). Whether you believe it or not, it is very eye opening to learn about the fullness of the stories. Growing up Protestant, I never realized I was missing 1500+ years of history and tradition.
I got to go to a service at a Greek Orthodox church last week. It was so different, but I described the feeling to my girlfriend as satisfying some ancient, primal thing in my brain. The ritual, the incense, the chanting, all of it together was similar to the feeling I get when sitting around a campfire. That primal feeling of "yep, this is what humans are supposed to be doing". It was fascinating and a much needed experience. Now, the kicker for me is that I'm trans and the "typical" Orthodox person is very conservative. I don't know if I could be 'out', although I don't feel the need to actually join the church right now. I've also been reading about a few saints they have who were seemingly FtM (born female but lived as male monks), and it wasn't until they died that their birth sex was discovered. They were still elevated to saint status, so it doesn't actually appear to be a big issue. But that leaves the other issue of if I want to be part of something that, today, might turn away others in my community who don't 'pass' or are openly gay, etc. But right now the practices and stories are enriching my life greatly, so all I can do is continue with what works for me, wherever I find it.
Caden! It’s so good to hear your thoughts. I couldn’t have described it better myself: that sitting around a campfire; that primal feeling of “this is what we are meant to do.” I’m also 100% with you regarding being lgbt and not being able to quite fit into the spaces. Well said, and thank you for sharing.
It's funny I remember one of your episode where you talked about the spiritual border lands. This article reminds me a lot of that. I've personally never been comfortable being boxed into a set official religion. Which is probably why most of my religious experiences with institutions and groups have been... Unique, to put it kindly. In a way I've built my own personal box. With parts from different religions and philosophies. It has a conversation with someone recently about my own belief system and they askede about God and an afterlife. I had to admit that I honestly don't know and have had to struggle with being fine with that. I pray, meditate and do rituals because they make me feel better and give me a sense of peace from that sense of peace I am able to be kind and do what I can for family and loved ones ore even a total stranger. The universe may be a chaotic place that makes no sense and have no planned purpose. I have to be okay with that and my just end up as dust. But I'm here now and I'm trying to make sense of now. I will let the other stuff worry about itself.
I haven’t connected this article to the borderlands concept, but I think that’s correct. It sounds like you have found much greater peace in the borderlands than I have. Maybe some day I will get there.
I wouldn't say I've found peace but maybe a better understanding of myself.
I identify with so much of this, Stephen. Even though I have a church community I feel welcome in and pursues work that matches my values, it is not a community I feel a spiritual affinity to. I’m beginning to wonder if the mysticism I longed for and felt just out of my grasp during my adolescence and young adulthood was me fooling myself or a shortfall of my spirituality.
I understand ❤️
Please find an Illuminated Understanding of this topic beginning with three references on the Life & Teaching of Saint Jesus of Galilee
http://www.dabase.org/up-6.htm
http://beezone.com/current/ewb_pp436-459.html#jesusandtheteaching
http://beezone.com/current/christ_equals_emsquared.html Christ = MC2
Also
http://beezone.com/current/tableofcontents-5.html Scientific Proof of the Existence of God!
http://www.adidam.org/teaching/aletheon/truth-religion
http://www.adidam.org/teaching/gnosticon/religion-scientism
Hey, thanks for sharing. I’ll check it out.