I get that tingling arm thing too but all over my body. For me it's like ants or bees all under the surface of my skin trying to get out. I describe it like my skin is crawling to people, because they have no frame of reference for ... "My insides are trying to burst through to my outsides."
I was molested as a young child. I realized last night that the longest period of time over my entire life between having some kind of sex was between the ages of 6 and 11/12. That under the surface tension has been there for me for my whole life.
I self harm with food, and so it doesn't build up as much as yours seems to. I have to eat to live, so the pressure offloads happen more often. You don't get that option. If I manage my anxiety levels it isn't so bad, but there's still times when I can't stop eating. My body is so full but my brain is still starving.
I'm so sorry this is something you have to bear.
Wires in our brains get crossed and fucked up.
I was thinking about how you feel your cutting feels unmasculine. I'm not sure if this will help reframe - From my perspective...some traditionally masculine traits are that men are supposed to have are fixing things, protect others and push through/ tolerate pain. Many of the things you described play into those things. You hurt yourself to protect others, you have a problem (emotional pain) and a solution that works (cutting) to fix it, and being strong enough to endure the pain is a very guy thing.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear about what you endured as a child. The ongoing psychological and physical cost of child sex abuse can be horrific. All my love to you ❤️
I like that reframing. I also think a lot of guys self-injure by over exercising. Stress fractures from weight lifting is a different kind of self-injury.
My brother is a huge over-exerciser. I never thought about it tying into his masculinity. I worry about all the stuff he puts his body through.
I was thinking about some of my other skin vibrating coping techniques. Have you ever used an acupressure mat or TENS machine? I mostly use them when I can't sleep to quiet my nerves down.
They're amazing. Highly recommend. I can definitely see how one might be used as a sort of safe (and even physically helpful) simulation for self-harm.
It delivers safe levels of electric shocks through pads you stick to your skin. Like I can put one pad on each shoulder or both sides of my lower back. You just have to be careful not to let the charge cross your heart. I've never used it near piercings so you may also have to take that into consideration when placing the pads.
Mine has a bunch of settings (sensations?) and then you can set the intensity level. My husband can barely tolerate a 2 or 3..I have to crank it up to like 6 or higher before it starts getting painful.
I wrote about this once, from watching many young people going through it. Cutting is a solution. It produces all the happy hormones. No wonder people do it. It’s like Homer Simpson said about alcohol; it’s the problem and the solution. After a while the solution becomes a problem.
I was a pro domme for a while and the sub-space my subs experienced was a bit similar I think.
Fantastic as always. Obviously it’s not the same, but I find myself wondering if there’s some overlap with tattooing and self harm impulse. As in, I wonder if there are people who engage in tattooing and body modification as a slightly more socially acceptable way to satisfy similar urges. Because you don’t have to hide tattoos. I’ve definitely gotten tattoos where it was more about the experience than the art. Again, not saying it’s the same, but I wonder if there ARE a lot of men with similar impulses, but because of the cultural connotation of cutting that you talked about they find more culturally acceptable ways to cause acute pain to themselves.
Absolutely. I started to explore tattooing in a previous draft, but ended up cutting it for space. I absolutely think tattooing can be a safe, sterile, and socially-sanctioned way for someone to experience pain and self injury. I think that’s awesome, and I’ve benefitted from the experience. It allows space for the catharsis that comes from self injury, and transforms it into art.
That's so beautiful, Stephen. Finding the right story to hold our overwhelming inner states can be a life and death matter. Perhaps in medieval times there were cutters and self-harming folks whom we now consider ascetic saints, which is problematic in some ways because it romanticizes self-harm, but positive in others because it takes away the shame. The puppy analogy is much kinder. Sending you virtual doggy treats :)
"Hypomania is particularly confounding. 'It’s like I feel incredible and want to kill myself at the same time...'" I don't think people know about this. They think bipolar means you're really happy or really sad. So thank you for sharing all of this. Though I'm not a man, I can see how important it is beyond what I personally relate to. One of my psych ward friends was a male bulimic and he expressed to me the same gender conflict surrounding his "feminine" eating disorder- and eating disorders are nothing but self-harm.
I'm also really proud of you for your sobriety from cutting. I stopped burning because of my husband too. He didn't judge my scars, he just loved my skin. More than I did. Most of the time that's enough but I've slipped up more times than you have so you should be proud of that. It takes self-control. Because sometimes there's the build-up you described. Every day you want it more and more, in steady increments. And that's a good time to take your puppy to the psychiatrist. Hang in there. Ask your husband to just stroke your bare skin- that helps me. I don't know- I just don't want you to have anymore scars either.
I didn't even remember until recently when I published a poem from high school that I used to cut back then, too. It was thankfully a short enough phase for me (my mom found out and basically hid everything sharp from me until I was too embarrassed to try again) but I totally understand the compulsion. Very vulnerable piece to write, and great as always.
This is beautiful. Thanks a ton for writing this.
Thank you for reading ❤️
This is so brutally honest and brave
I get that tingling arm thing too but all over my body. For me it's like ants or bees all under the surface of my skin trying to get out. I describe it like my skin is crawling to people, because they have no frame of reference for ... "My insides are trying to burst through to my outsides."
I was molested as a young child. I realized last night that the longest period of time over my entire life between having some kind of sex was between the ages of 6 and 11/12. That under the surface tension has been there for me for my whole life.
I self harm with food, and so it doesn't build up as much as yours seems to. I have to eat to live, so the pressure offloads happen more often. You don't get that option. If I manage my anxiety levels it isn't so bad, but there's still times when I can't stop eating. My body is so full but my brain is still starving.
I'm so sorry this is something you have to bear.
Wires in our brains get crossed and fucked up.
I was thinking about how you feel your cutting feels unmasculine. I'm not sure if this will help reframe - From my perspective...some traditionally masculine traits are that men are supposed to have are fixing things, protect others and push through/ tolerate pain. Many of the things you described play into those things. You hurt yourself to protect others, you have a problem (emotional pain) and a solution that works (cutting) to fix it, and being strong enough to endure the pain is a very guy thing.
I'm so glad you found your husband.
❤️
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear about what you endured as a child. The ongoing psychological and physical cost of child sex abuse can be horrific. All my love to you ❤️
I like that reframing. I also think a lot of guys self-injure by over exercising. Stress fractures from weight lifting is a different kind of self-injury.
My brother is a huge over-exerciser. I never thought about it tying into his masculinity. I worry about all the stuff he puts his body through.
I was thinking about some of my other skin vibrating coping techniques. Have you ever used an acupressure mat or TENS machine? I mostly use them when I can't sleep to quiet my nerves down.
What is a TENS machine??
They're amazing. Highly recommend. I can definitely see how one might be used as a sort of safe (and even physically helpful) simulation for self-harm.
It delivers safe levels of electric shocks through pads you stick to your skin. Like I can put one pad on each shoulder or both sides of my lower back. You just have to be careful not to let the charge cross your heart. I've never used it near piercings so you may also have to take that into consideration when placing the pads.
Mine has a bunch of settings (sensations?) and then you can set the intensity level. My husband can barely tolerate a 2 or 3..I have to crank it up to like 6 or higher before it starts getting painful.
I'll dm you a link to the one I have.
I wrote about this once, from watching many young people going through it. Cutting is a solution. It produces all the happy hormones. No wonder people do it. It’s like Homer Simpson said about alcohol; it’s the problem and the solution. After a while the solution becomes a problem.
I was a pro domme for a while and the sub-space my subs experienced was a bit similar I think.
Fantastic as always. Obviously it’s not the same, but I find myself wondering if there’s some overlap with tattooing and self harm impulse. As in, I wonder if there are people who engage in tattooing and body modification as a slightly more socially acceptable way to satisfy similar urges. Because you don’t have to hide tattoos. I’ve definitely gotten tattoos where it was more about the experience than the art. Again, not saying it’s the same, but I wonder if there ARE a lot of men with similar impulses, but because of the cultural connotation of cutting that you talked about they find more culturally acceptable ways to cause acute pain to themselves.
Absolutely. I started to explore tattooing in a previous draft, but ended up cutting it for space. I absolutely think tattooing can be a safe, sterile, and socially-sanctioned way for someone to experience pain and self injury. I think that’s awesome, and I’ve benefitted from the experience. It allows space for the catharsis that comes from self injury, and transforms it into art.
That's so beautiful, Stephen. Finding the right story to hold our overwhelming inner states can be a life and death matter. Perhaps in medieval times there were cutters and self-harming folks whom we now consider ascetic saints, which is problematic in some ways because it romanticizes self-harm, but positive in others because it takes away the shame. The puppy analogy is much kinder. Sending you virtual doggy treats :)
Thank you, Jendi <3
Thank you so much for writing this. I relapsed recently. Reading your words really helped ❤️
"Hypomania is particularly confounding. 'It’s like I feel incredible and want to kill myself at the same time...'" I don't think people know about this. They think bipolar means you're really happy or really sad. So thank you for sharing all of this. Though I'm not a man, I can see how important it is beyond what I personally relate to. One of my psych ward friends was a male bulimic and he expressed to me the same gender conflict surrounding his "feminine" eating disorder- and eating disorders are nothing but self-harm.
I'm also really proud of you for your sobriety from cutting. I stopped burning because of my husband too. He didn't judge my scars, he just loved my skin. More than I did. Most of the time that's enough but I've slipped up more times than you have so you should be proud of that. It takes self-control. Because sometimes there's the build-up you described. Every day you want it more and more, in steady increments. And that's a good time to take your puppy to the psychiatrist. Hang in there. Ask your husband to just stroke your bare skin- that helps me. I don't know- I just don't want you to have anymore scars either.
I didn't even remember until recently when I published a poem from high school that I used to cut back then, too. It was thankfully a short enough phase for me (my mom found out and basically hid everything sharp from me until I was too embarrassed to try again) but I totally understand the compulsion. Very vulnerable piece to write, and great as always.